I miss my mania


About three years ago I discovered that I have bipolar disorder.

My experience with the condition, prior to realizing what it was, involved weeks and sometimes months of  incredible creative flow, great ideas and an abundance of energy.  I could do amazing things.

I could also get myself lost in a tangle of registrations for this or that on line, or spend money without it registering exactly how far off budget I had gotten…and sometimes it meant that my temper would flair as my mania was about to crash into depression.  I always thought the depression was just guilt over my temper being out of whack.

After the diagnosis and subsequent medication and adjustments, things really became more balanced.  My temper was definitely under control and so was my spending.

Unfortunately what also became “controlled” was my freedom of expression, creative ideas, sharp focus and boundless energy.

I know it is better to be on medication.  But I miss my mania.

This comes to mind because two nights ago I woke up suddenly and felt ready to get up in the middle of the night.  That’s usually the sign that there’s been a “shift in the force”.  I went back to sleep outside on the deck swing and woke blissfully the next morning .  I hadn’t felt “happy” in general for  quite some time. (Our family has been under an enormous load of stress, which I will leave at that) but here I was  enjoying the day!  It wasn’t a meditative exercise in enjoying life…it was just coming to me naturally, and so was energy.

I enjoyed that for about an hour or so until, as I was cleaning up after breakfast, I saw the bottle of lithium on the counter and realized that I had to take my meds.

It’s good to be more stable emotionally.  It’s good for my children and my marriage and other relationships.  But I feel disabled….unable to enjoy the rush of creative bliss and so on.  I still feel enormous satisfaction, joy, love and contentment in being a mother…no medication could ever steal that from me.